ESSENTIAL ATTITUDES FOR CIVIL POLITICS
Christopher Ebbe, Ph.D. 11-25
Democracy and representative government require an informed citizenry. An informed citizenry (and a sense of identification of all citizens with the nation) requires amicable interactions between citizens. Amicable interactions between citizens requires basic equality, basic respect, and basic acceptance.
Some politicians are trying to increase their vote-count by instilling fear in voters—fear of life-changing government actions and fear of people who have different ideas. This results in divisions and rancor in society and gives no opportunity to resolve differences. The antidote, if course, is to seek out or at least welcome (with trepidation?) discussions of complex issues and to apply the attitudes advocated here.
EQUALITY
For purposes of government, it is most important to accept that every citizen’s wishes about the direction of government should carry just as much weight as those of every other citizen. No matter how much you disagree with or abhor another citizen’s opinions or wishes, you can give him/her the right to those opinions and wishes, just as you expect him/her to do for you. You don’t have to agree with others to value them as fellow citizens and accept their input as worth considering. To see and feel our basic equality with all other human beings also helps us to cooperate better. Treating others as equals communicates our respect for them, and the good will and trust that flow from this minimize conflicts and allow others to feel comfortable with us.
We are all faced with the same existential problems, and we all have the same set of potential feelings about ourselves, others, and life. We are all “in the same boat” as far as our human existence goes, and we all have the same basic goals in life—to survive, to minimize pain and insecurity, to have some amount of good feelings, to feel good about ourselves, to have sex and raise children, to have some gratifying relationships, to be accepted by our various groups, and to contribute to the welfare and security of our neighbors and our society.
Being basic equals means not to be either superior to others or inferior to them. Both inferiority and superiority are enemies of equality, respect, and acceptance. If we see ourselves as superior to them, we will also think that we deserve more rewards, love, and approval than they do. If we see ourselves as inferior to them, we will have resentment over this, which will restrict the free flow of positive feelings that we could have for them and the strength of our motivation to cooperate for achieving mutual goals.
Basic equality, does not mean enforced equality in every way. In the U.S., we say that everyone should have equality of opportunity and be treated equally under the law, while at the same time accepting that people’s condition and possessions will in no way end up being equal.
Because of our insecurity and dependence as young children, we seek to be special to caregivers (and more special than the other children in the family). If we are honest, though, we know that we don’t deserve special treatment more than any other child does. This same idea applies to our status hierarchy. Perhaps none of us is any more important or valuable than anyone else in a larger scheme of things.
A major change in how we value others presents a challenge to us, since we are so used to assuming status to be important, but is it really? Our propensity to create status hierarchies seems to benefit us in that it defines how the goods of society will be divided up (those higher get more) and thereby prevents some violence, and if this hierarchical ordering is accepted by everyone, it minimizes the fighting that would otherwise take place. We tend to think that those higher up deserve more because they are “better than” us, but we also, circularly, believe that they are “better than us” simply because they get more and have more. People adopt behaviors that indicate their status, which once again reinforces the distinctions between people (they must be better because they are different).
Since status is mostly an amalgamation of wealth, appearance, and notoriety, and since these have symbolic value (we “look up” to them or want to have what they have) but have no practical value and do not tell us what it would be like to interact with such a person, perhaps status is largely misleading. Perhaps scoring an individual on the attributes listed above would say more about his/her “real” worth (if you accept that these attributes would identify the people we think would do the most for us or that we would like to be with on a daily basis). People do need heroes and people to emulate, but most people with wealth, appearance, and/or notoriety have done nothing heroic (even though we might imagine that we would like to be them or have what they have).
If we really view ourselves as an equal to others in value and accept the outcomes of our own efforts to take care of ourselves, then we would not have the competition and resentments that go with the status hierarchy, and we will be much more able to get along. When we see ourselves as equal to others, we cease much of our comparing of ourselves with others in terms of status, attractiveness. money, etc., because what is really important is how we view ourselves and what we are doing to make our lives good, as well as the lives of those around us. In my opinion, society would be better off without ranking everyone in value relative to each other in a status hierarchy but instead have all members of society confident about their basically equal value to others and satisfied with having sufficient resources for a good life.
Equality calls on us to start viewing everyone, including ourselves, in terms of what is really important (how we manage our lives, how we treat others, and what we give to others). The essential and more valuable qualities or achievements of each of us are (1) taking good care of ourselves and those dependent on us, (2) treating all others decently, and (3) doing things that contribute to the welfare of the total group.
Our society is in the midst of an “equal value crisis,” illustrated by our wealth inequality. The difference in income/wealth between ordinary workers and business leaders has become so great that it is inspiring revolutionary ideas and active resistance in some. This is also augmented by the lack of consequences for Wall Street leaders who invested (legally) in insecure securities that led to the 2008 financial crisis, since that seems to most workers to be patently unfair.
One of the positive features of a status hierarchy is that everyone, no matter their position in the hierarchy, can look down on and feel superior to at least some other people. To view everyone as basic equals calls on to give up this ability to look down on others and to be satisfied with being equal!
RESPECT
The dictionary defines “respect” (in the sense that we are concerned with) as holding someone in esteem or in high regard. “To esteem” means to set a high value on and to regard highly and prize accordingly. When you respect someone, then, you hold him in high or special regard, set a high value on him, and regard him as valuable. (“Respect” does not mean to obey, as it has come to be used in some households.) We crave being respected and treated with respect, because being respected tells us that we are valued enough to be given basic recognition of our right to be alive and to be a part of the group.
When we respect a person, we respect her rights and try not to infringe on the person or cause her distress or discomfort. We try to make it pleasant for the person and try to make her comfortable, by treating her with courtesy and consideration and paying attention to her feelings and needs. This includes being civil in discussions of complex or controversial issues!
If you have a generally positive attitude toward others, enjoy positive relating, and recognize empathically that it feels good to be treated with courtesy and respect, it will make sense to you to be courteous and respectful toward others. Even treating those we do not like or approve of with respect and courtesy will have a positive outcome, because being treated with courtesy and respect makes everyone feel better, which will improve relations in general.
Treating others with respect elicits the same from them toward us, and being treated with respect causes others to view us more positively and to be more willing to cooperate with us in our efforts to reach our own goals. Treating others with basic respect makes society a more positive and comfortable place and makes all social relations go more smoothly. Disrespecting others results in conflict and even violence (e.g., gang members killing others for being disrespected), since the disrespected person must struggle to maintain self-esteem and self-respect and to re-establish basic group acceptance.
If we value others equally and accept that their needs and wishes are just as important for good government as our own, then our respect for them will prompt us to be more concerned about their welfare than we are now. There are two ways to view our government. One is that we are a nation of individuals each promoting his/her own welfare and caring little about that of others. Outcomes are decided by vote, regardless of whether policies harm some citizens while benefiting others. The other way is that we are a nation of individuals importantly connected with others whom we care about (at least a little), so that we take their needs and wishes into account when we think about government actions and policies. Ask yourself which kind of nation you would prefer to live in. The more isolated approach—advocating only for oneself—leads to more division, conflict, anger, and hatred, while the more connected approach leads to more satisfaction and less conflict (at the cost of giving up a little bit of one’s own potential benefit in order to help others out).
To develop your skills with respect and courtesy, be aware of others’ needs and feelings, including their special sensitivities and quirks. Tailor your words and actions to convey positivity and concern, which means that you will usually avoid words and behavior that could hurt or harm others. View yourself as a basic equal to others, which means that you won’t assert or even intimate that you are better than them and deserve more than they do.
Everyone deserves basic respect at all times, since all of us are basic equals and have the same fundamental value in the group. No one is more special or intrinsically valuable than anyone else. Even when individuals behave in destructive ways, it is best to treat them with basic respect even while we are administering punishments or avoiding them.
It is not hypocritical to treat someone you don’t particularly like as if he had a high value, since his basic value as a human being is enough value to justify treating him with basic respect.
Many people grow up learning to use disrespect as a means of inducing others to conform (implying that the other person is inferior or essentially a non-person to scare him/her into conforming), but more can be accomplished and more of the basic conformity by all that society needs can be gained by treating others with basic respect at all times (even murderers and rapists), thus holding open an invitation to them to be liked and more highly valued as members of the group for changing their behavior, and by making our negative reinforcements of them separate from our attitude toward them.
ACCEPTANCE
Understanding oneself and others realistically and in depth leads the wise person to be basically accepting of herself and others, because knowing a person completely reveals that person’s faults and frailties (and we all have them!). The wise person uses this insight to go beyond basic acceptance to complete acceptance of self. Understanding ourselves in depth also reveals how most of us avoid knowing ourselves completely because we fear that we would have to reject or even despise ourselves if we knew ourselves in depth, reveals how much we reject ourselves daily through self-criticism and self-punishments, and reveals how we fear accepting ourselves because it might lead us to look “bad” and to be “bad.”
Being accepted is basically “being allowed”—being allowed to be yourself without rejection or attack. Self-acceptance is therefore “allowing yourself to be” instead of rejecting and attacking yourself, and basic acceptance of others is letting them be themselves without rejection or attack. Unfortunately, most people attack and reject themselves and others with alarming frequency. Every time you harm yourself, criticize yourself, put yourself down, or judgmentally compare yourself unfavorably to someone else, you are rejecting yourself (and the same for others).
Basic acceptance does not mean pretending that everything about the other person is OK but simply respecting him/her and not attacking him/her for the parts you don’t like or don’t agree with (by criticism, accusations, blaming, harming, punishing, comparing negatively to others, demeaning, placing in negative or inferior positions).
If you are not accepting others (not letting them be), then you are by definition rejecting them. The key to accepting them, then, is to stop rejecting them.
Think seriously about this, and try to identify the ways in which you reject others. How do you do these things? Do you use disapproval as a tool and a punishment?
The primary reasons that we reject others is that we fear them or expect behavior from them that we think will be harmful for us. We may hide this by seeing them as not meeting what we believe to be appropriate standards for citizens or in seeing them as part of a group that “everyone knows” are inferior. We often learn these deceptions from family and other significant people.
Acceptance is often confused with approval and other positive responses from others. Being approved of involves being measured by others against their standards for you and being preferred or rejected by them, while acceptance is “being allowed to be” just as you are. Being accepted does not imply that everything about a person is OK, just that the person is not rejected or attacked for it.
Human beings have probably through evolution developed a built-in tendency to seek the approval of others, since this acts to ensure sufficient conformity and responsiveness to authority to enable the group to survive and to function well. In accepting yourself or others completely, you are going against this inbred tendency, which is part of what makes acceptance difficult. The key to working out this difficulty is recognizing and accepting that others and even the group have some legitimate need to set rules defining acceptable behaviors, but they have no legitimate authority to control who you or anyone else “is” (with the exception of prohibiting certain behaviors by group members).
Neither you nor others have a right to identify another person or his/her behavior as ultimately “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad,” except with reference to your own individual opinions (which bear no relation to any higher authority or standard), with the exception of behaviors that society as a whole has declared unacceptable.
Some people will feel that if they encounter things they don’t like in others, such as behavior or opinions, that if they do not immediately punish those others then those others will do even worse things in the future. This leads to more conflict and less ability to communicate usefully. The logic of civil interaction, greater understanding, and more useful compromises suggests that this is not true. Civil interaction and greater understanding lead to better outcomes for everyone.
It is inappropriate to over-generalize about others. Appearance, wealth, and achievements do not guarantee that a person is “good,” and lack of these do not guarantee that a person is “bad” or “inferior.”
Some people fear that if they accept themselves and others, that everyone will become lazy and complacent and will never make any further improvements in themselves. Actually, meaningful change is easier in an accepting climate than it is in a rejecting climate. A rejecting, punishing climate motivates us to escape the punishment, but the anger and resentment that we feel about the rejection and punishment also cause us to stiffen up and refuse to change (since “giving in” to the pressure to change would be like completely giving up control and giving up self-respect). In an accepting climate, we do not have to fight back, we are free to consider who we really want to be and what would be best for us, and we are free to make those changes if we wish. Politicians who arouse fear of others and demean others create division and hatred, and not conformance and cooperation.
If you can accept yourself as you are, then you are on the road to truly accepting others as they are, too, for you can see that they have their faults, frailties, and struggles, just as you do, and that they are, for the most part, just as worthy of acceptance as you are. Have compassion for their struggles and their self-rejection, and you can consciously extend your feeling of self-acceptance to them as well.
Most human beings feel threatened by people who have different beliefs and views from their own, but this can be overcome by understanding those differences better and gaining more security in life in general (because much insecurity is due simply to ignorance and inexperience). Knowing the complexity of human beings, the wise person knows and can accept that other peoples’ emotions and beliefs are always going to be different from his/her own. These differences do not necessarily mean danger or require distancing. The wise person can see the good and the bad about a person without condemning that person.
What problems with respect, acceptance, and equality do you feel when you think of people with very different political views or social group from yours? Is it hard to accept that his/her views should count as much as yours in determining the fate of the country? If you don’t accept this equality, you don’t want a democracy!
Does it help to think of persons with different political views from yours as seeking the same things out of life that you do (survival, minimum pain, some periods of positive emotional state, positive self-esteem, reasonable security, sex, having and raising children, some gratifying relationships with others)?
What do you think are the primary stumbling blocks to accepting the above philosophy?
Could “basic equality, respect, acceptance” be a useful mantra before and during political encounters?
VALUING OTHERS
Human beings assign value to every other human being. This value can be based on tradition, existing social structure, family connection, similarity, propinquity (close or far away), religious belief, religion, and/or benefit received from interaction, modified by age, race, and gender. Our valuing of a person determines how we treat him/her, and the cumulated values placed on an individual by all other individuals determines his/her place in various social hierarchies (local, global), which has implications for opportunity, gain, and quality of life for him/her. We maintain our social value or seek greater value in the eyes of others by pleasing them or benefiting them in various ways.
There are several different realms in which we value others. We value a person for what we receive or could receive from him/her in our interactions, for his/her group memberships (race, religion, nation, etc.), and for his/her simply being a human being (“inherent worth”).
Currently, most people value others almost completely on the basis of their impact on him/her and the person’s hierarchy position (how others value the person), with very little value given for just being a human being. Most of us give almost no value to someone we don’t know, or we assign probable value based on a person’s clothing, appearance, and way of speaking, from which we guess at occupation, income, status, and capacities in general. We value greatly what a plumber does for us in a particular instance of need, but we assign mid to lower-level value (generally) to him overall based on appearance, manner, and speech. Most of us assume that a homeless person with poor clothing and grooming is of little value and fit only to receive charity.
While valuing a person for his/her effects on us (what we get from our interaction with him/her), will always be most important, I would like to propose that we revise our current valuing to place less value on status hierarchy position and more on just being a human being. For most of us, a person’s status hierarchy position is a compilation of other people’s valuing of a person rather than a value that we have carefully thought out ourselves. If we are thinking for ourselves (independently), then how we ourselves value a person would come from what we get from him/her and from the value we place on other human beings in general. Our valuing others simply for being human beings gives pretty much the same amount of added value to each other human being.
If we were to assign greater, equal inherent value to other individuals; we would treat each other better. We would use more empathy when considering another person; we would be more likely to feel compassion for others; we would be more likely to see others as basic equals to ourselves; and we would be more inclined to give all others respect and courtesy and treat him/her fairly. All of these outcomes would make our existence with others in society more comfortable and would position us to be more skillfully cooperative with others.
In seeing ourselves as basically equals with others, we would bond by seeing our similarities, feel more empathy for others, stop trying to be better than others, want the best for others, and have the humility to see ourselves more realistically.
Feeling more equal with others, we would naturally treat them at all times with respect and courtesy.
Seeing ourselves as equals, we would treat others fairly instead of trying to take advantage of others to get ahead.
By using our empathy, we would understand others’ feelings and actions better, be more willing to see others realistically, be more ready to accept others, and be better able to share with and appreciate others.
Empathizing with others, we would naturally stop looking to take advantage of others whenever possible and stop trying to force others to do what we want.
Feeling greater compassion for others, we would feel more connected with others and more willing to help when needed.
Valuing others, we would show this by our appreciation for others and our positive attitude throughout the day toward others in all of our interactions and connections.
These changes would make the world a better place—with greater trust for others, greater connectedness and awareness of others’ needs and feelings, and greater comfort with others and willingness to help and cooperate.
Another way to make our valuing of others more appropriate and rational would be to value others for capacities and behavior that are really important. Valuing others for their appearance, achievements, status, or group membership (religion, race, etc.) is to look at superficials as opposed to the following more important qualities:
- taking appropriate care of those they are responsible for
- contributing positively to others and/or the community
- willingness to see the truth about things, even if it is unpleasant
- treating all others decently at all times
- acceptance of and compassion for others
- willingness to hold themselves accountable in the same ways they do others (treating others fairly)
- openness to loving and feeling close
- willingness to take care of themselves (versus seeking care from others)
- ability to control their emotional reactions in favor of more useful responses
- preference for reaching goals via—
pleasing and working with others, rather than
taking advantage of others to get what one wants,
using power to force others to give what is wanted,
exerting personal status and privilege, or
doing it themselves without involving others
On what basis do you value others?
I submit that a plumber who was competent, easy to be with, dedicated to his/her family, able to explain clearly to you what he/she was doing with your plumbing, and who allowed you freely to make decisions about alternatives for your plumbing with different costs deserves more value from you as a human being than your status heroes (with whom you will never actually interact).
Much of our valuing of others takes place with relative ignorance; we know very little about most of the people that we are valuing, and our valuing would seem much more appropriate if we knew much more. How would you know whether this plumber was dedicated to his/her family without seeking more information? We have similar challenges with homeless persons and persons convicted of a crime. What do we really know about them?
Aside from the fairness and appropriateness of our valuing, there are some really important reasons to value others in general.
1. Your daily life depends on millions of other individual people, each doing his/her own tasks—the person who bakes your bread, the person who drives the bus, the person who arranged your car loan, the person who calmed you down when you flew off the handle, the grocery checker. If any one of them didn’t do his/her job, then your life would not be the same. It is quite rational to be grateful for all the ways that others contribute to your life (and to think seriously about how you are or are not useful for their lives), and recognizing others’ practical value to you undergirds your valuing of others.
2. For most people, interaction with others keeps them sane. Only a few individuals have enough of a developed self inside to maintain themselves and keep their mental balance alone. This is why solitary confinement in prison is OK for some but drives most crazy.
3. For the emotionally healthy and accomplished person, interaction with others is fascinating, educational, and entertaining. We find endless variation in others and see the huge range of possibilities for ourselves and others. We learn from how others run their lives and make their decisions (what’s the best way to prepare for retirement? what’s the best car insurance? where can we meet other nice people?). We find humor in their behavior (and see those things in ourselves as well).
EXPANDING OUR CIRCLE OF VALUING AND EQUALITY
As a species, we are adapted to small groups, like villages, and our feelings center on people we know directly. Evolution has not yet had time to help us relate in closeness to people in larger groups, at further distances, or on screens. So, it is not easy to expand to the whole world of human beings concepts that we learn in our small groups, like love in the families we have during our early years. If we wish, though, we can expand this from a small village to the world!
Assuming that you want to see others as basic equals and value them appropriately, imagine the positive feelings that you have for some people you are close to now, and then hold that feeling and think of people in China or India or Ireland and continue to feel those same positive viewpoints and feelings while you contemplate all those people who are equal human beings to yourself. Imagine individuals in those large groups and not just the huge group itself. Imagine their lives including some suffering, just like yours, and feel your hope that their suffering might be decreased. Imagine that you are radiating your positivity and equality to all of them.
Every one of us “deserves” all the good things in life that are available to all, including equality, respect, courtesy, acceptance, and love, and we each can treat others as equals with positive warmth and good wishes that express those feelings within us, through our attitude toward others.
It is important to see ourselves as essentially like all other human beings, having the same life goals (survival, tolerable pain and insecurity, positive self-esteem, periods of positive feelings, satisfying sex, raising good children, acceptance from and some fulfilling relationships with others) and the same emotional reactions to the good and the not so good in our lives. It can also help our sense of basic equality with others to keep perspective on ourselves as a tiny spark in the huge universe and remember that we are no more important than anyone else in the larger scheme of things.
Fear and ignorance are the enemies of equality and rational valuing. If we fear someone, it is harder to feel positively toward him/her, and this fear most often comes from our ignorance about him/her that causes us to be unable to see his/her suffering and deservingness. We are all in the same boat. Some of us have the good fortune of being in much better economic conditions than others, but we did little to be in this position (being born into a relatively rich society) and do not “deserve” being in this condition any more than any other tiny spark in the universe.
Travel and exposure to others around the world through reading and videos can help us to become more comfortable with those who are different. Accepting our basic equality with others and taming our desires for more (especially the desires of those of us who live in the developed countries) and appreciating what we do have can ease our competitive feelings and help us to appreciate the good in our lives.
We can transcend our tribal instincts if we attend to our attitudes. We need and always will need our own family circles of love, but if we view others as having the same struggles that we do and as being just as needful of support and being treated well as we do, we can expand our circles of positivity and equality to include the world.
Please consider giving more value to others just because they are human beings and part of your world. You might think that your little contribution to change will be worthless, but your valuing will affect all those you come into contact with, and if you don’t adopt this greater valuing of others, who will?
For more on civil discourse and on amity among people, see my essays–
Ebbe, C. Live Wisely, Deeply, and Compassionately, 2024.
Ebbe, C. Having Love In Your Heart For Everyone, 2026.
Power vs. Love In Doing The Hard Work Of Compromise | Live Wisely, Deeply, and Compassionately
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Do you agree that political amity requires basic equality, respect, and acceptance? What other style of relating is there besides domination?
What problems with respect, acceptance, and equality do you feel when you think of people with very different political views or social group from yours? Is it hard to accept that his/her views should count as much as yours in determining the fate of the country? If you don’t accept this equality, you don’t want a democracy!
Does it help to think of persons with different political views from yours as seeking the same things out of life that you do (survival, minimum pain, some periods of positive emotional state, positive self-esteem, reasonable security, sex, having and raising children, some gratifying relationships with others)?
What do you think are the primary stumbling blocks to accepting the above political philosophy?
Could “basic equality, respect, acceptance” be a useful mantra before and during political encounters?
On what basis do you value others?
Do you use disapproval as a tool and a punishment?
What means could we use to advocate for “basic equality, respect, and acceptance”?
(essays\valuingothersequally)
Essays\politicalequalvalue