A NEW MODEL FOR THE MALE ROLE IN U.S. SOCIETY

Christopher Ebbe, Ph.D.   5-25

Gender relations and gender roles have been undergoing major shifts in our society, which has been welcomed by many but decried by many others.  The main thrust of these changes has been greater flexibility in role expectations, particularly for women (more freedom to have children or not, more possibilities of not marrying, more work in previously male-dominated fields) and for gay people (greater acceptance in society including parenting opportunities).  The place of persons who are hermaphroditic (genetically of mixed male and female sex features), queer (uniquely incorporating various gender features), transsexual (seeking to live the life of the sex to which they were not born), and non-binary (neither exactly men or women but seeking some combination) is in flux, with some citizens willing to give that freedom and flexibility and some citizens rejecting these changes because they seem to lead to unacceptable confusion in society or to flout God’s creation effort.

The stereotypical (old style?) roles have been aimed at division of labor between men and women, with men taking more active and openly aggressive activity outside the family home (to protect the family and to “bring home the bacon”) and women being responsible for the home and primarily responsible for the children.  Recent shifts have given women more choices and room to maneuver, such as deciding whether to have children or not, whether to raise children alone or with a partner, whether or not to marry, and whether to pursue a specialized career path or not, usually in the professions or in business.

The net impact on men of these changes for women has been confusion and ambivalence about accepting these changes or resisting them.  With more women able to fund childrearing without partner financial help, the financial need to marry and raise children has been considerably reduced.  Men therefore have a less clear role, since they can no longer be assured that some woman will need them and their financial support and will accept that simply fertilizing her and bringing home the bacon for the family are enough to justify a marriage.  Women are now more free to design their own lives, and men are similarly free, but many women wanted these freedoms, while men have no similar desire and are left not knowing who to be or what to do.

We might summarize the features of the role expectations of men in the past as—

• help create children
• contribute to childrearing as fathers (more as symbols of strength and support than with direct nurturing)
• serve as an archetype for children of strength and dependability
• be willing to sacrifice for the sake of the family and society
• protect the family and society, with violence if needed
• enforce the rules of the family and society
• provide financially for the family
• be self-reliant and not dependent

It was assumed that men would have their own friends and that men would not be very empathic or emotional, even if women wanted them to be.  It was assumed that men would be interested in machines, hunting, and fishing.  Men were not expected to be builders or maintainers of the cultural infrastructure (grass-roots groups and associations) but would be deciders about the laws and institutions of society (in the political system) and would be, mainly through aggression and threat, the top authority in the family.  It was assumed that men would be self-reliant and independent rather than show any signs of dependency.

The traditional role of women could be described as—

• participate in creating children and keeping men satisfied sexually
• physically and emotionally nurture family members
• serve as an archetype for children of beauty and love
• supplement family finances if needed with work outside the home or creative work in the home
• be a symbol of beauty and perfection in the family
• (in some families) attempt to bring “culture” to the home and children
• be sexually faithful, in the interest of perfection and of keeping the male/father aligned with the family and functioning as above

In this life plan, it was assumed that men would be more often unfaithful sexually than women, and this was often tolerated, to maintain the family.  Similarly, the presence of LGTBQI+ people was not openly accepted but was not particularly contested as long as no one talked about it or brought it out in the open.  Perhaps the most key feature of this system was male dominance, and we see the attraction of this feature for men in their willingness to enforce it through violence or threat (it was the case not so long ago that it was legal for men to force wives to have sex and to “beat” them if they were disobedient) and their preference for it as we see in the actions of the Taliban in Afghanistan.

As with many human systems of expectations, they “work” as long as everyone goes along with it, but as soon as a key participant group refuses to go along with it, it crumbles since it has no real moral or philosophical justification.  To combat women’s refusal to “go along with it, ”men had to accept the changes because ultimately the alternatives were  to beat women into submission or kill them, neither of which has been attractive enough to be carried out, just as if all the slaves refused to work and be chattel, a slave system would disintegrate (although in some times past, the wholesale killing of the rebels would have seemed justified morally and/or religiously).

As women have sought to change women’s roles in society, the features of men and the male role that are most deleterious to women have been identified and labeled as “toxic.”

Here are the “toxic masculinity” characteristics seen as damaging to others or to society.

• over-aggression (aggression that damages others)
• overly risky risk-taking
• empathy level lower than for females
• rejection/suppression/repression of emotions
• seeking of dominance, regardless of context
• over-control (seeking control that is not aimed at benefitting others)
• over-independence (self-reliance to an extreme, which tries to avoid vulnerability and dependence)
• rejection of any trace of femininity in oneself (damaging to close relationships with women due to unemotionality, poor empathy, rejection of feminine features/feelings in themselves)
• specific attitudes/behaviors often cited as toxic—homophobia, misogyny
• sexual promiscuity and infidelity
• substance overuse

Presumably these would all be altered in any new role expectation for men that would satisfy the women who want that role altered.  (We should keep in mind that a significant proportion of women currently would prefer to keep the old model, even though one might conclude from the public culture and statements of the elite that a vast majority or women do want it altered.)

Here are the elements of a new model for male role expectations, based on values of gender equality and of greater freedom within roles for both men and women.

Some elements would remain the same.

• willingness to sacrifice for the sake of family and society
• help create children
• contribute to childrearing as fathers (but with more emotional contributions and direct nurturing)
• serve as an archetype of strength and dependability
• protect the family and society, with violence if needed
• (fairly) enforce the rules of the family and society
• provide financially for the family (but as an equal co-provider, if that is that family’s choice)
• sexual fidelity

Changed expectations might be as follows—

• “reasonable” risk-taking (that does not put the family’s security at risk)
• “appropriate” aggression and competition (including avoidance of non-rule regulated violence, and avoidance of harming others)
• understanding the needs and feelings of others and helping others when possible and appropriate
• acceptance of/comfort with emotions
• honoring of equality wherever possible
• sharing of control whenever possible
• greater (or equal) participation in household maintenance tasks
• self-reliance that is motivated by efficiency or self-benefit and is not motivated by avoidance of vulnerability or dependence
• openness to adoption of values and characteristics that have heretofore been seen as feminine, when those seem desirable/useful

These same qualities (both groups above), stated from a female perspective (including “serve as an archetype for children of beauty and love”), would be positively reinforced in girls and women (including that all women would be expected to be able to support themselves, though not necessarily able to support themselves together with children) and will be seen by society as appropriate to both genders.

There may be some activities or qualities that society will want to differentially reinforce by gender, based on differential ability to carry out certain functions or tasks.  Fundamental evolutionary differences will still make a difference.  Human males, overall, have greater muscular strength and readiness to engage in physical struggle with others, including violence.  Females, overall, have slightly greater verbal capacities and tendencies to nurture.  These will continue to differentiate gender roles of protection and nurturing to some extent.  Also, males have a greater tendency than females to seek out sexual opportunities, while females have a greater tendency than males to display their bodies to be attractive, and these will continue to differentiate our views of males and females.

KEY UNCERTAINTIES/QUALITIES

Current encouragement of boys to be aggressive (and violent when “necessary”) is based mainly on the need for reliable protection of family and society.  The above gender roles may result in the development of some males being unwilling or unable to do that.  Females might compensate for this, but that is unclear.

Acceptance of and comfort with emotions leads some females to hold views and act toward others based solely on these emotions without needed consideration of the needs of everyone for equal and fair treatment and with difficulty “causing” pain in others by holding them appropriately accountable with regard to their roles and responsibilities.  Greater acceptance of and comfort with emotions will lead some males to have these difficulties as well.

Diluting societal positive reinforcement for some activities by gender, while leading to greater opportunities, may also lead to problems.  For example, if bearing children is not as positively reinforced in women, we may have population declines that are problematic.

Having people (both mates and larger groups) make decisions jointly (with the opinions of all being equally valued), instead of decisions being hierarchically decided, requires greater patience, emotional attunement, and willingness to be equal than many people now have.  It is unclear what the limits are, in large groups, of our ability to place our own needs on a near-equal par with those of others.  All parties will have to believe that placing their own needs on a near-equal par with those of others is in the long run to everyone’s greater benefit.  This runs contrary to our inclination as children to seek to be special or preferred by caregivers, so that drive to be special or better than others will have to be moderated in adults.

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discussion questions:

1. What would you change about the stated/proposed roles, especially since they are pretty much the same for men and women?

2. Does society need some differentiation of gender roles, or is it workable to have the same expectations of men and women?  What do you think “should” be different in the two roles?

3. If there is no differentiation between roles for men and women, what will boys be told about the expectations for them (who they are “supposed to” grow up to be)?  Is it workable for boys to have no role expectations to grow into but to be told simply “be yourself” or “you can be any way you want” or “you’ll work it out with your partner”?

4. Overall, is equality a reasonable goal in a society, or will there always be a sizeable number of citizens who seek power over others (and therefore wants to establish inequality)?

5. What would be the difficulties of having co-existing but different value-based notions about what gender roles are or should be (e.g., the more Progressive vs. conservative Christian)?  Could each “side” treat those who are not following what that side prescribes with courtesy and respect, or it that asking too much?  If couples were allowed to “work it out for themselves” regarding various functions (providing financial support, doing housework, etc.), could each side tolerate this instead of continuing to preach that their way was better or more moral?

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